so wat can i do?

now the time is 1:35am ... i juz got back hall 3 hours ago from home...after saying good bye to my mum and a kiss on her cheeks before i left...... and juz 10 minz ago...my mum's close friend from taiwan, who likes my mum very much, messaged me..... saying tat my mum is drinking and she's doing something crazy acts...and asked me not to tell my mum abt this conversation we had.... and then he instructed me to make a call to my mum and act as if nothing has happened...
but after being terrified by the intentions of the acts tat he was claiming tat my mum is having... i made a call...and i heard her weak voices over the phone....
my mum got hit by the emotional waves once again....and i find all words to comfort her.... but her guilt of showing her weaker side to me is too much for her to bear...and each word of comfort i said.... felt like needles to her heart.....slowly pernetrating through... she said tat all the while....since i was a baby.... i alwayz look up to her ...as one i can lean upon.... one who will shelther me and protect me in all wayz tat she could..... but now.... ever since tat blow tat my dad did to my mum.... her shield was cracked like a shattered eggshell.... leaving her naked and cold..... and she felt so incapable of being a mother.... and my concern and comfort shame her even more......
but wat can i do.... wat's wrong for being weak in front of me.... wat's wrong with the tears tat flow out of ur crystal-clear eyes....think of me whenever you feel hopeless...hear my calls to bring you out from the darkness.... but all these words would only sadden my mum..... i even agree not to go back home as she insisted tat it would make her feel worse......
now back to this guy whom my mum admires as well.... i thanked him for being nice to tell me abt it.... but in the end...he scolded me for being foolish.... and saying tat honesty is good...but muz know when it's time to lie..... and he added on tat i did not know the seriousness of the situation..... well.... i tried to be nice by reiterating tat he shouldn't analysize me...and use his stand on my position....
firstly.... don't try to tell me tat i don't know how serious the problem my mum is facing.... i've been through it.... i've seen it with my eyes.... i've experienced it ..... don't tell me wat i should do ......
secondly.... i'm also a victim to this tragedy.... i'll be slaved under this forever... till the day i have my last breath....i will still remember the pain...the lesson i've learnt..... no doubt tat my mum is the one who suffered most..... but tat doesn't mean tat i know nothing abt the situation and start shooting words to overthrow the efforts i've put in....
thirdly.... i know my mum better than most of you out there.... if you wanna know... i totally agree with wat she's doing.... even if tat ever happens... i wouldn't be surprised.... i would only be sad...for the fears and pain the she will be going through in tat process.... wat's wrong with tat.... ? i also feel like ending this misery tat came haunting you.... and my mum couldn't agree more.... but the most important reason is tat we both knew tat it would be hurtful to either one of us...but yet on the other hand...supporting tat.....
wanna know how we victims felt?
take for an example.... one fine day....my mum and my sis and i went for a laksa breakfast downstairs...and there came the foodstall lady chatting with us.... saying the usual compliments....abtmy mum having 2 brillant kids...and started asking abt my dad as a casual topic.... we 3 juz smile.....and nod........
if you think tat things are juz so simple with a smile and a nod...and things will juz pass away with time...then you're terribly wrong.... wanna know wat's going on in my head?
Scenes after scenes of the fights...the tears...the kneeling on the floor..begging..... my blood on my lips.... the sweat all over my body...the banging of my head on the floor in utmost distress....
those pictures will haunt me whenever ppl who doesn't know abt the situationz of my family...started to ask silly qns..... and now think again....how would my mum feel? tat sudden shock as if the time has stopped as well as her breath forever.... suffocate her....as if someone's squeezing her heart ...... and this will be going through again and again in her mind.....as well as the pain..... all the shoutings...all the breakdowns......tat weakens her...but yet trying to hold up a front to face the world tat she used to live in....but she knows it better than anyone else..... she doesn't want to remember this place anymore...... so do i......so do i........
at least it's easy for me..... this tragedy makes me so numbed with things in life tat i'm used to giving smiles to let things rest....but still i will have my emotions on the run at times when my tolerance is hit..... and i would not allow anyone ever to criticize wat i've been through.... i've been to both heaven and hell..... and it's so hard for me to be even staying alive..... so juz shut up if you try to put ur stand in my position when i don't even....in anywayz.... commenting anything tat you are doing to YOUR life....... Coz this is MY life.... i've already submitted it to fate.... So don't ever tell me wat i should do.........
*sighz....another sad post..... sorry for the repeating stuffs......i wanted to write something inspiring today...but i juz received this.....anwayyz..it's 2:20am now...Buaiz.....till we meet again*